Crazy Little Thing Called "Life"

Today is sending off an uncle we know. An uncle who was taken away by cancer after four years of battle. The kids and I can't go to the memorial service as Chester is too young to attend and besides, I had to go to Scarlett's school for parents' day to have a chat with her form teacher. 

As I typed, my heart is heavy. 

Life. What does it really mean to us? What are we suppose to do with it? Then I happened to watch a video shared by some friends of Dr Rick Rigsby asking how are we living? I think I am doing quite alright now. How can I not? How can I not be happy being able to watch my kids grow up before my eyes? How can I not be happy to wake up to their faces even though I wished I can lie in bed for another hour or so? 

But today, my heart is heavy and I feel sad for the loss of our uncle. I get to watch my kids grow and then see someone else go. Life. This crazy little thing called "life". We come and we go, only to remind myself to treasure the present, not dwell on the past and don't plan too much for the future. Just live, live in the present and be there for whoever I am with. Whether they are friends or family, I just try to be present and be there. 

Everyday I thank God for these two little people, these little extensions of Allan and myself. I was  very nervous in the beginning when I quit my job back in June and feared so much that I will have a break down and losing myself in isolation. I realized the culprit of all my anxiety is fear. Motherhood has brought about so much fear in me and realizing that now help me cope with it a little better. The coping is simply to just go ahead and do what needs to be done despite all the fears. Everyday I just keep pushing myself challenge after challenge. It is no wonder I am always so drained and tired. It isn't just about physical exhaustion, it is also mental. 

As much as I love my kids, sometimes I do feel I am too old for them too. I was doing the Math and telling my mother-in-law the other night, at my age, she and my mom's first born were already in their early twenties, yet here I am with a feisty toddler. I am so capable of putting myself into a situation whereby I don't even know why I want to get into in the first place. If you know what I mean. In a good way, it makes me less complacent and have to constantly work hard on something. 

Oh well, as the Dr Rigsby said, doing great is not just an act, it's an everyday thing. I guess I am doing alright then. 

Candies Allan brought home from the service. He told Scarlett to treat them as the last candy from uncle. That made me quite sad looking at these candies. But cancer no longer has its grip on him. He is in a better place with God.