Show Must Go On

I had a dream this afternoon from my nap. I dreamed that I was back living in my favourite childhood home - Cavanagh House. I had lots of fond memories in this particular home. The swimming pool, my two cousins I got to hang out with as we lived in the same apartment briefly, the night pool parties and barbecue with my parents and their friends, our grocery shopping at Plaza Singapura Yaohan, learned how to ride a bike, roller skate and last but not least, supper from Newton Circus.  

My dad used to walk over to Newton Circus from our home to get us supper. To be honest, I often dreamed about moving back to this apartment because I love it so much. If I can really do a count, perhaps only two friends on my Facebook list has ever visited this home of mine. We moved out when I was 16, after my O Levels.

Back to my dream, I was holding hands with my dad, walking the same route as we used to, to Newton Circus from Cavanagh House. He liked to walk there through other houses by the side road and never by the main road. I asked if we were packing dinner back home and he said yes. I asked if Ah Gu (our late ma jie) didn't cook us dinner and he said yes. So I made sure we packed. We sure packed a lot. At our last stop, we were at this satay bee hoon stall and after my dad ordered three packs of satay bee hoon, I hugged him and told him I miss him. 

I asked him if we could go back in time, to this particular time. I started crying and hugging him in my dream. This childhood home held all the best and the worst memories of our family. I woke up trying to catch my breath and felt relieved I wasn't sobbing in reality. I seriously hate to cry. I held back my tears, walked to the living room and told Allan about my dream. He made me a cup of camomile tea. This was the second dream I had about my dad since his passing. The first was at my mom's flat. That dream was simply him looking at me smiling and I smiled back. No words were exchanged.

I am miserably homesick. 

However, the show must go on. There are unfinished work for me here. Since Scarlett is having early CNY holidays, thanks to the flu, I brought her to my Chinese doctor last Friday to get more medication for her health condition. She has eczema some time back, which was caused by diet and the lack of certain immunity in the body. This Chinese doctor has cured her 90% and there is still this 10% we need to sort out. We had a full on half an hour lecture from him for not showing up for the past eight months, which I gladly listened and nodded as he lectured. I procrastinated AGAIN, sabotaging my daughter's health. I agreed with every word he said. Indirectly, he was also lecturing Scarlett and telling her to obey my instructions and take her medicine obediently. Made my life easier because she drank them without making too much fuss the past few days. She used to throw her teary face at me when I made her drink those medicine, which also made me dread to bring her back to the doctor. How many times have I let her off this easily? Many times. Time to reflect on my parenting skills after that lecture. A much needed lecture. Like a lecture from a father I never had. Comforting.

My friends Darren and Wendy happen to be in town over the weekend. I arranged to meet them for coffee while waiting for Scarlett's medication to be brewed at the Chinese medicine shop. Can't think of a better way to take my mind off this melancholy mood which causes me to be tired all the time lately. I guess I think too much without even realizing. I am glad I get to meet some friends from home and just catch up.

When Scarlett's medicine was ready, we went to the medicine shop and I made her drank a cup on the spot. We sat there for half an hour just to wait for her to finish a cup of that awful drink. I know it's awful because I spent about 8 months of my life drinking them religiously to regulate my health a couple of years ago, which cleared up my adult acne problem whereby I had relied heavily on Tetracycline to suppress it over the years. 

This medicine shop also has a story behind for me. Remember I mentioned about spending around 8 months of my life drinking those awful herbal tea? I drank it at this place. My ex office was just a few streets away and I would walk over to this shop at around 5ish to torture my taste buds for good health. I made friends with the boss at this shop. He would play the role I am playing now with Scarlett, encouraged me to drink the tea and to try not gag or throw up. He would talk to me to distract me and it felt almost like chatting with a friend at a coffee place. It worked. I always drank it faster and easier whenever he was around to chat with me. 

The last time I met the boss was when I had my "weird period" (was actually pregnant with Chester) and went to the Chinese doctor thinking my period has problem. He prescribed me some tonic soup. Last year, I brought Scarlett there to pick up her Chinese medicine and wanted to tell the boss about Chester. I was very excited to share with him the fact that those tonic soup his shop made has helped me carry Chester to full term and wanted to show him Chester's photos, only to find out from his wife he passed away just TWO DAYS ago. I was very shocked and upset at the same time. 

When drinking the tea, Scarlett has a lot to say. Like me, she needed distraction.

"Mama, there are millions of eyes looking at me, asking me to drink them."

"Yes, don't disappoint them. Drink up."

Scarlett's "best friend" - a million eyes

"Mama, this is the worst drink ever."

"Yeah, it taste like s*#t, but it sure is good."

Scarlett staring at her "million eyes"

Some days I feel ok, some days I just feel like a part of me was lost. I can't quite explain. But isolating myself from people is the last thing I want to do. Friends asked if I am ok to meet up and of course I am. If I am not, it is only because I am exhausted and tired from looking after Chester, just like how I used to. 

This world may feel a whole lot different to me now without my dad but the show must go on.